Dear Clients,

 

When you say you want footage of a dinosaur,
what precisely do you mean?

‘Coz I’m picturing this:

 
 

(You do know “Jurassic Park” wasn’t real, right?)

 

(…right?)

Math ≠ Weight

 

Trigger Warning:

The following may make your head burst into flames.

…And I probably say bad words.

 
An old friend of mine posted something completely harmless
on her Facebook status,
But naturally, someone *had* to come along and get all offensive:

 

Ignorance is no excuse for assholery.

(Forgive me for posting the whole exchange–it’s just amazing how bad it gets…)

 
 

First off, you’re an asshole.

Let’s just get that out of the way.

A preachy, “this worked for me, so just try harder, fatties!” condescending, misogynistic asshole.
Don’t you love how the way he uses the word “girls” in order to place himself in a position of authority and completely demean the women who disagreed with him?

And I love the whole “nobody gets force-fed” thing—
because, actually?
There are people who do—
folks on the island of Mauritania have been force-feeding their daughters for centuries.

For someone who claims to like things that are precise, he sure ain’t in his “arguments”.
 

Here’s truth:
Many folks gain weight from eating too much and/or having a sedentary lifestyle.
Staying healthy is hard work.

He’s not wrong about that.

That said, the point that R misses entirely is that T wasn’t referring to this AT ALL.
She was referring to those who struggle with weight no matter what they do. She’s referring to the fact that the only acceptable form of prejudice in our current society is that against overweight people.

I wish I hadn’t read this whole thing because, my God, have I been struggling with the ED triggers this week—simply because of an arrogant prick who can’t get his head around the fact that calorie restriction + exercise ≠ weight loss.

It is NOT a Truth Universally Recognized that a Single Body in Possession of Fat Ass Cheeks Must be in Want of Portion Control.

If that were true, I would have been hospitalized years ago.
I’m not skinny. I don’t look “fit”—whateverthefuck that means.

But?

I can kick almost anyone’s ass in dance endurance.

 
Want some more truth?
 

The way someone looks rarely has anything to do
with their actual health.

I’m a very, very good dancer.

But I don’t look like one.

Don’t you love the bit where he tells me that I don’t understand science or debate?
Because, clearly, I’m the one making circumstantial ad hominem attacks. Oh, and setting up Straw Man arguments…but that might be okay if the Straw Men in question are skinny.

So let’s actually get all accurate and scientific-y and run over a few diseases that can cause inexplicable weight gain, shall we?

 
 
Cancer

Cushing’s Syndrome

PCOS

Kidney, Heart, Liver Disease

Hypothyroidism

Celiac Disease (not common)

Preeclampsia

Low Metabolism
 
 

Oh,
could there be other instances of weight gain
that are not, in fact, caused by overeating?

Why yes, there are!

 
SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) drugs–
Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft

Prednisone

Hormone Replacement Therapy

 
Allow me to quote:
 

From http://www.netnutritionist.com/fa12.htm
by Gay Riley, MS, RD, CCN:

“Anticonvulsants/Mood Stabilizers

These drugs were initially used only for seizure disorders. The following anticonvulsants are now prescribed frequently in the treatment of bipolar disorder and other selected forms of depression:

* Carbamazepine (Tegretol®)
* Divalproex (Depakote®)
* Gabapentin (Neurontin®)
* Lamotrigine (Lamictal®)
* Topiramate (Topamax®)

Anticonvulsants tend to cause hyperinsulinemia (elevated insulin in the blood) and increased appetite leading to weight gain. Hyperinsulinemia also results in increased testosterone, which causes a risk to women on these medications for development of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (POS). Polycystic ovary syndrome can cause weight gain, male pattern baldness, increased facial hair, skin tags, acne, infertility, high blood pressure, abnormal lipid levels, and heart disease.

Seizure disorder studies showed that patients taking anticonvulsants who had either a normal or below normal body mass index had the most severe weight gain.”

 
 

In terms of arguing physics,
as R so flagrantly fails to do,
I’m going to refer to four arguments made by the wonderful Ragen of the Body Positive Dance Company:

“The first law [of Thermodynamics] states that in a thermodynamic process, the increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system, minus the increment of work done by the system on its surroundings. It is often simplified to “energy can neither be created nor destroyed”.

I do not disagree with the law. But, note the first four words “In a thermodynamic process..” What I disagree with is the gross misrepresentation of the human body as a perfect thermodynamic process.
I have four issues with this:

Issue 1: It assumes that there is no option for calories other than to be burned or stored
…
Issue 2: It asserts that Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) is Easily Predictable and Stable
…
Issue 3: It requires that the body be a perfectly efficient calorie burning machine
…
Issue 4: If we wanted long term weight loss using this theory then we’d have to eventually turn to starvation
…
Bonus Issue: Your friend who eats everything in sight and never gains weight.

Everyone knows somebody like this. I have a number of friends who eat way more than I do, exercise less and stay rail thin. Why do these people get to credit their metabolism but I’m just fat lazy excuse-making slob if I suggest that my metabolism may be as slow as theirs is fast?

So next time somebody tells you that it’s just calories in/calories out, consider telling them that you’ll be happy to talk to them about it once they have recited the laws of thermodynamics, defined the Harris-Benedict Equation and discussed its specific limitations, and explained your friend who eats a ton and doesn’t gain weight.”

 
You should read the whole article–
she makes all the points that I’ve been trying to make for years,
in a completely clear and scientific manner,
God bless her.

 

I don’t know if I can say it any more clearly than this:
 
 
I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT BECAUSE I EXERCISE TOO LITTLE AND INGEST TOO MANY CALORIES.

Am I making myself clear?
Am I making any of the hundreds of reasons
why exercise and diet just don’t make a damn bit of a difference
for so many, many people any clearer?

Because I’m sick of this shit.
I’m sick of having my health,
and the health of thousands of people who literally
and truly cannot help what they weigh,
called into question by complete buffoons,
and by the Modern Health System.

Ragen?
From the earlier quoted article?
She’s an athlete who wins dance competitions.
She is hella more flexible than I am,
probably stronger,
and she eats a healthy, balanced diet.

She also weighs over 200 pounds.

She has been denied health insurance because of this.

Our country has a seriously fucked up notion of what healthy means,
and what it looks like.

 
 

No matter how easy it seems,
food is NOT A FUCKING MATH PROBLEM.

I would love to stick that man,
or anyone who gets uppity about the “simplicity” of weight loss,
in my body for one Goddamned day just so they could have a glimmer of understanding of what it’s like to deal with disordered eating.

Food is so much more than calories. It shouldn’t be, but it IS.

I’m TIRED of being preached at, even inadvertently, by people who have no comprehension about how difficult weight loss and weight gain can be. People who refuse to acknowledge the existence of diseases like PCOS and hypothyroidism; disorders like binge eating and compulsive overeating. People who want to simplify everything into binary code, into easily solvable, easily explainable, tidy MATH.

This man has no clue about what it’s like to fluctuate ten pounds every month because of estrogen. He has no clue what it’s like to work and work and work and eat/not eat/eat/not eat and still never see the weight come off like it’s
“supposed to”, if weight WERE just a math problem.

I pity his wife and daughters.

 
I just wish there was more compassion in the world for all of us who struggle with weight–in all of the forms that those struggles take.

That’s all.

If you’re ignorant,
wise up.
If you’re being told that you are wrong,
and that your arguments can be disproved,
be an adult,
do your homework,
admit that the Laws of Thermodynamics are meant for closed systems,
and that they were never intended to be applied to the human body.

Be compassionate.
Learn.

That is simple.

 
 

(And? Using “LOL” in a serious discussion automatically makes you wrong.)

What I’m Reading:

 

Courtesy of the Fug Girls and Atlantic Monthly:

Fantastic Journalism

 
 
(The first piece about hospital suppliers will probably make your head fall off, by the by)

It’s the Little Things:

As of late,
life has been a bit full of fuckery.

January is always creaky around the edges with resolutions and bad weather and tax statements from the IRS.

But this last week?

Kinda made me catch my breath with how…bad…it was,
just with a multitude of petty things.

I dropped my car off for an expensive routine maintenance that *had* to be done,
along with trying to get an electrical problem fixed
in order to get my fix-it ticket dismissed
(oh, L.A.!).

When I came to pick up the car,
I tried paying for it with a credit card that I got and activated through my bank,
just for this purpose.

Guess whose card was denied?

It took me almost three hours, four different people, and five “CARD DECLINED” tries before that problem was resolved,
and I drove out $500 poorer.

I went to the police station to get my ticket signed off,
since it was due Monday.

I was informed that the City of Sierra Madre needed twelve dollars,
in cash, exact change,
in order for an officer to leave his desk,
walk twenty feet to my car,
and see me flick my headlights on.

I ran to the bank,
ran back,
and was then told that I didn’t have the correct paperwork,
and needed the actual ticket.

Ran home.
Spent almost an hour searching frantically for said ticket.
Found it.
Went back.
Signed off.
Ticket in the mail, along with an additional $25
to the DMV to indicate that I had not, in fact, done anything wrong.

(For those keeping track at home,
I am now $547 poorer on Friday than I was Wednesday)

In an attempt to alleviate some of that poorness,
I had a yard sale on Saturday morning,
and managed to both be pleasant to other humans before 8 o’clock AM
and pull in about $50,
which is pretty darn good for a bunch of neglected crap pulled off of our balcony.

Saturday night was…
bad.

Just.

Bad.

I decided to hide from the world under my covers for most of Sunday
(this has been happening often around here),
but got some good out of the day watching “True Grit” with friends
(beautiful cinematography, great dialogue, and a fantastic cast).

I was woken up this morning by a Sierra Madre PolicePerson banging on my door.

That woman had the audacity to demand eleven dollars for a “yard sale permit”,
and to tell me that if I “had questions about it” I should have called City Hall to see if a permit was needed.

It’s not just the fact that I was charged for something
that I had no way of possibly knowing,
post-fact, and by an incredibly rude human being.

It’s that eleven dollars?
For me?

That’s a loaf of bread, 1/2 gallon of milk, and five apples.
It’s enough to feed me for a little over a week.
That’s three gallons of gas.
That’s a dance class.
It’s a bag of food for my dog.
It’s not nothing, in other words, not to me.

Additionally,
I still haven’t heard back from either of the two interviews I went on this month,
in spite of following up.

(I also feel like a whinging brat because almost all of my troubles
boil down to finances. And that just seems so…pathetic.
I mean, I could sell a kidney or something.)

 

It’s the little things.

I honestly feel like if I just lock my bedroom door and refuse to come out,
maybe nothing will go wrong.

I keep hoping for an end to the bad,
and in spite of what I said on my birthday
about not letting a year trample all over me,
it’s still happening.

And I’m wondering if,
this time,
I just shouldn’t bother getting up again.

Sneaking Around The Man:

 

So we all know that I have aberrant pink hair, oui?

 

I also have an interview with a very upscale corporate firm tomorrow.

And it’s a personal referral through one of The Boyo’s co-workers.

 

In other words,
I don’t want to fuck this up.

 

So I did this today:

Nice, normal, aberrant hair

 

 

nice, corporate, expected, BORING hair

 

 

oh look, there's some color.

Now tell me,
if you didn’t *know* that I had pink hair,
would you even begin to suspect that the above is NOT my real hair?

‘Coz that’s gonna matter,
right around 2pm tomorrow.

Congratulations!

Got this little jewel in my inbox today:

“Hello,

Congratulations! This is a tentative offer of employment for the available Administrative Assistant position in the corporate offices of Patron Tequila, Inc.

As you know, this position pays a generous salary, plus benefits, and also provides potential to earn additional bonuses and incentives throughout the year. We are hiring rapidly at this time, and are fully prepared to make you an employment offer, provided that you comply with the rest of the recruitment terms.

This is a full-time position. You will be responsible for assisting the VP of sales, filing, keeping track of interoffice expenses and supplies, reserving conference rooms, answering phones, planning travel for sales executives, payroll review, and other related tasks. Experience working as a receptionist, secretary, or administrative assistant is helpful, but not required as fully paid training is provided.

To accept these terms and move on to the final stage of the recruitment process, you must provide us with a current copy of your credit report to go in your employment file. Patron Tequila, Inc. has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to theft of company property. Your actual credit scores and payment history are not important to us; rather it is a means of verifying your identity, and will also serve as your acceptance of the position. Once you fill out the report, an email is automatically generated that notifies us of your acceptance of the position. Once we receive notification that you have completed the report, we immediately mail you new-hire paperwork along with times for the next orientation. Be sure to bring 2 forms of identification with you to the orientation.

Your free report can be obtained here: http://employer-reports.org/employee01985/

We are hiring very aggressively, therefore this tentative offer of employment will expire three (3) full business days after the date sent. If you choose not to accept the offer, or have any questions, please email me directly.

We appreciate your interest in joining the team at Patron Tequila, Inc. and hope you decide to come aboard!

Sincerely,

Sarah Pudwill-Bryson
Regional Manager, Human Resources
Patron Tequila, Inc.

This message contains information from Patron Tequila, Inc. that may be confidential and privileged. If you are not an intended recipient, please refrain from any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of this information and note that such actions are prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately.”

…

Really.
REALLY?!?

No phone call,
no interview,
and you’re going to hire me???

Oh,
wind up the choir of angels, y’all!
A faceless corporate entity is gonna hire my desperate ass!

…wait…did they just ask for my credit report?

This is the kind of scam that just makes my jaw drop–
no company has *any* right to that kind of information.
Credit reports include bank account numbers,
loans and lenders,
social security number…
essentially, it’s Identity Theft 101.

And what really makes me nuts?

There are so many, many people who will fall for it,
because they’ve been out of work for so long,
and so desperately need it.

I wish there was something more I could do aside from flagging on Craigslist.
Makes me want to reach out and punch someone.

ps (seriously, unless you have interviewed in person and signed a contract, don’t give out your driver’s license number, your social security number–NOTHING. these scams are way too common right now–you don’t want to be out of work *and* dealing with identity theft.)

Charted:

Still the worst part of my day, hands down.

Is That a Complete Sentence?

I’m sitting in BeanTown,
since I desperately needed to get out of the house today,
and I have a lovely trio ensconsced behind me:

Worried, tech-inept Mother.

Cadaverously boring, condescending Educator.

Annoyed, bored, cannot-believe-the-level-of-the-shit-she-does-not-give Teen.

Mom and EDUCATOR are making Charlie Brown noises
about tests and grades and why Teen should care about grades and tests.

Annoyed Teen is annoyed.

Because really?

Learning is interesting.
Learning is wild and crazy and adventurous.

And these two are making it all about percentiles.

UGH.

For heaven’s sake,
get your kid outside,
and let her roam around.

Encourage her to write about beautiful things.
Read her poetry.
Let her loose in the library to explore books.
Math? Connect it with wonder–the golden ratio,
how it’s found in art throughout the centuries.
Get her in museums.
Connect chemistry to baking, perhaps.
Let her make a mess in order to learn; work with her hands.
Learn with your kid, Worried Mom.
Explore the world with her.

She won’t give a shit unless *you* do.

And I don’t blame her,
especially when you say things like,
“Well, the next time you see ________, she’ll be smarter.”

Um.

Yeah.

You just told your daughter that she’s stupid.
In public.
Do you realize that she might not ever get over that?

*headdesk*

Poor kid.

Poor Worried Mom.

I hope wonder finds you,
in spite of today.

Seriously.

Cap Sleeves and the Women Who Hate Them:

A rant, if you will.

I love dresses.

I love shopping for them,
trying on pretty colors,
lovely fabrics,
experimenting with shapes and styles.

What I don’t love,
however,
is the continual, constant, rage-inducing CAP SLEEVE.

First,
what’s the point?
The cap sleeve generally covers about .00001% of your entire arm,
so if modesty is your concern,
surely elbow sleeves are less risky.

Second,
cap sleeves look good on .00001% of the female population.

Because?

That stupid piece of fabric emphasizes the biggest part of one’s arms.
It’s like trying to camouflage an elephant behind a blade of grass.

FAIL.

I know there are women out there
whose arms are largest at the elbow.
I don’t understand where they come from,
or how they rolled the genetic dice for such–
but I am not among them.

I have BIG ARMS.
I have “my ancestors were farmers” arms.
They are strong,
but in spite of everything,
show no muscular definition.

Which is rad.

And it means that sleeves on dresses like this?

so cute! so IMPOSSIBLE.

And this?

WANT. CAN'T.

And this?

CAN’T.
WEAR.

Can’t even get ‘em past my (hulking) forearms,
most of the time.

And even if I can,
that stupid little slice of material smooshes my upper arms
into amazingly grotesque shapes.

EW.

Designers!!!!

Few women have eensy weensy toothpickering arms!

My shoulders do not need their own minuscule awnings,
and I’m tired of having to remove these insulting little buggers,
or having to put a cute dress back on the rack because of a 2″ piece of fabric.

Please to kill the cap sleeve.
It wearies me.

Dear Douchnozzle:

You stole my bike seat.

Wanker.

I hope you are blessed with the fiery wrath of hemorrhoids.

Kisses,

Becca