Bah.

Sometimes,
I forget that paintings rarely turn out cool the first go-round.

I’m going to scrap what I have and start over.

BOO.

I don’t WANNA.

Because when I poke about for inspiration,
and see works like those of the inimitable Audrey Kawaski,
I kinda die inside:

...where i want to be...

Makes me kinda feel like I’m in kindergarten again,
with the cheapo box of eight crayons,
trying to pretend like I have 36 instead:

...where i am...

However!

The Boyo and I were talking about the fact that neither of us are
“traditional” artists, per se–
we didn’t major in art,
we don’t sketch constantly or perpetually,
and that last bit is one of the chief things holding us back from being really good.

I don’t like doing things every day if it’s hard,
if it’s a discipline.

(Hi, my name is Becca, and I’m LAZY.)

But that needs to change.

I’ll never get better at painting,
or anything, really,
unless I work at it.

So after I go to a party tonight,
I’m going to work again.

And if I still don’t like it?

I’ll do it again.

Things I Wish I Had Known:

If I could sit my 20-year-old self down,
and give that scared, long-haired girl some advice,
from the High White Tower of 28-year-old Experience
(take it for what it’s worth, in other words),
I might say this:

1) That English degree? Not really going to do much for you.
Take some business classes, too. Or double-major.

2) You are smarter than you think.

3) Don’t be afraid of having to pay rent–if travelling makes your toes tingle, DO IT.

4) You are not your sister, nor are you able to draw the way she does,
and that’s okay. Paint, for fuck’s sake.

5) Your faith is not based on how many times per week you go to church.

6) You’re a snob. You’ll still be a snob in eight years. Start working on this now.

7) APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOL BEFORE YOU GRADUATE. This is one of my biggest regrets.

8 ) If someone tries to force you into a career that you know will not
make you happy, do not give in (…or learn to deal with it more graciously).

9) Money will always be tight–but you will never be without food, clothes, or a place to live. Trust God and be sensible.

10) Your friends are figuring themselves out, too–be patient.

11) Never, never, never give up.

12) If you are blessed with a day, a week, a month of lovely ordinariness,
treasure it.

13) Stop making up movies in your head about how situations are going to go.
Very little actually works out the way you expect and hope it will.

14) You will often be disappointed and disillusioned. You will also often be surprised and delighted. Remember the latter, roll with the former.

Oh,
yes,
last one?

15) CUT YOUR HAIR.

I Stuck a Wooden Spoon in the Mixer Tonight:

was making cookies,
all dolled up in my standard cooking garb,

the ankle and spoon grip are terribly important

with my awesome cooking music playing
(fruitbats this time);
turned the kitchenaid on,
but had the bright idea that maybe,
just maybe,
it wasn’t doing its job well enough.

i grabbed my wooden spoon and stuck it into the paddle…
which was still on.

and proceeded to get my knuckles thwacked repeatedly.
i didn’t even have the sense to get my hand out of there–
i kept thinking, “OW! hey! i’m trying OW to fix this OW!”

apparently, i should stick to mixing things sans kitchenaid,
since it’s actually kind of impressive that i’ve made it to the ripe old age of 28 with all of my digits intact.

…

and now for a bit of honesty.

life’s been rough lately.

not in any dramatic way.

just the quiet ways.
that add up.
until, one morning,
you just can’t seem to force yourself to get out of bed.
and the only thing that eventually sends you crawling for clothing
is the fact that The Dog must be walked.

i’ve been out of work since August of 2009.

i have a BA.
i have a teaching credential.
i have applied for an average of 10-20 jobs every week,
and have had at least one interview every month since then.

eventually,
you start to wonder what’s wrong with you–
not “what can i do better in my next interview”,
because you’ve already asked that,
you’ve already done that.
instead, the question becomes “what’s wrong with me?”

i’m not truly a career-oriented person;
i want to like my job,
but i’ve never been balls-to-the-wall-gung-ho about advancing
and getting myself promoted.

but this whole no-employer-wants-me-thing
has been wearing at me for a while now,
and i’m finding it harder everyday to be productive;
to do things as simple as put away my laundry
or get my sorry ass off the couch.

my roomates have been fantastically supportive,
as has The Boyo,
but i’m not going to lie–
every interview i go on that doesn’t pan out,
every job i apply for with a sinking feeling–
but still apply for since there isn’t much else available–
every time i send a resume and never hear back…

it all adds up to me wanting to hole up in my room for good.

(i know i’m fortunate to not have a family relying on me for income.
i’m grateful for that–
and for those of you in that situation,
you have my prayers that it will get better soon.)

i just wish i could find the ability to hope for something good again.

Bright Moments with Becca:

So I hied myself to the flower market last week
to get a preemptive start on table decorations for
Operation Nuptial: There Will Be Beer.

Which makes me a smart, smart girl.
Maybe even worthy of a cape.

Except.

Remember in math class,
when your inevitably balding and middle-aged teacher
explained to you the difference between the diameter and the circumference of a circle?

Yeah.

I forgot that whole pi times such and such, too.

And now find myself short of moss,
since four spools of moss at 78″ inches in length each,
will not, in fact,
cover seventeen 12″ DIAMETER foam circles.

*bah*

Math.

I hates it.

(back to the market i go!)