Don’t Cook the Pinterest Yet!!!

 

I forgot two VERY SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES in the ingredient list:

1 3/4 cup of Christian-ese
2 Keep Calm and Carry On posters,
neatly shredded into unpalatable irony
and/or trite sayings.

Do not neglect the addition of these two ingredients,
or NO ONE WILL EVER REPIN YOU EVER AGAIN
IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

 

A perfect Venn Diagram illustration, right here, folks.

Pinterest:

 

A Recipe:

 

5 heaping cups of Maudlin Sentimentality
3 tablespoons of Bad Mommy Poetry
1 teaspoon of Oh God If Only I Could Wear That
2 pints of Are You Sure You Want that Cookie

Mix ingredients thoroughly with a pinch of poor grammar,
and bake at 350 degrees of Celebrity Gushing.

Remove from oven, and frost with enough
This is the Coolest Thing/Idea I Have Ever Encountered on the Internet
to mask everything else.

 

Tada!

You’ve just signed up for Pinterest!

 

…Which doesn’t mean that I can stop pinning.

 

MINE.

 

‘coz I can’t.

Cut open glowstick. Dump in jar. Swirl. Revel in own radness.

 

I want to do this for a wedding SO BADLY I COULD DIE.

 

This may be a sickness.

Follow Me!

Parallel:

 

I am not a physicist.

I understand very little of the notions behind multiverse theory,
but I do know this:

I hope there is another Rebecca out there, somewhere.

Another Rebecca who didn’t, who wasn’t,
who is, who will be
all the things that I regret not doing,
who will never do all the stupid things I did.

I hope that she is real.

 

Flower Speak:

 

So you’re dating.
Or married.
Or generally edging around the notion of making another person feel
special and tingly.

Maybe.

Here is my comprehensive and exhaustively researched guide to
What Your Flowers are Hollering about You, Your Character,
and Sometimes Your Car:
 

Standard Red Roses:

“I have no imagination whatsoever.”

 

Standard Red Roses with Baby’s Breath:

“Not only do I not have any imagination,
but I’m also into infantilization.”

 

Daisies:

“LET’S WANDER IN FIELDS WITH UNWASHED HAIR AND SCRUB EACH OTHER WITH EARTH FRIENDLY PATCHOULI.
WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING???”

 

Gebera Daisies:

“I know enough to not give you boring daisies, but not enough to give you a flower that will last longer than two hours before drooping.
…There is a probably a double meaning in that.”

 

Carnations:

“McDonald’s is a good date. So is Taco Bell. I watch Carl’s Jr. commercials and wear Axe Body Spray.”

 

Calla Lilies:

“My car has a leather interior. Also, we will go to restaurants with price fixé menus. You lucky thing, you.”

 

Alstroemeria:

“I am a mildly interesting person with a habit of listening to talk radio.
…And these were on sale at Trader Joe’s.”

 

Potted Cactus/Succulent:

“You can’t keep anything alive.”

 

Sunflowers:

“I am so full of sunshine and good cheer, I will probably give you skin cancer.”

 

Peonies:

“Erudite, well-read, thoughtful. Methinks we’ll be having The Sex now.”

 

 

(Seriously. No carnations. Ever. They look like shite in bouquets.)

 
Totally gakked from: http://thehairpin.com/2011/07/the-modern-meanings-of-flowers

Dear Clients,

 

When you say you want footage of a dinosaur,
what precisely do you mean?

‘Coz I’m picturing this:

 
 

(You do know “Jurassic Park” wasn’t real, right?)

 

(…right?)

Math ≠ Weight

 

Trigger Warning:

The following may make your head burst into flames.

…And I probably say bad words.

 
An old friend of mine posted something completely harmless
on her Facebook status,
But naturally, someone *had* to come along and get all offensive:

 

Ignorance is no excuse for assholery.

(Forgive me for posting the whole exchange–it’s just amazing how bad it gets…)

 
 

First off, you’re an asshole.

Let’s just get that out of the way.

A preachy, “this worked for me, so just try harder, fatties!” condescending, misogynistic asshole.
Don’t you love how the way he uses the word “girls” in order to place himself in a position of authority and completely demean the women who disagreed with him?

And I love the whole “nobody gets force-fed” thing—
because, actually?
There are people who do—
folks on the island of Mauritania have been force-feeding their daughters for centuries.

For someone who claims to like things that are precise, he sure ain’t in his “arguments”.
 

Here’s truth:
Many folks gain weight from eating too much and/or having a sedentary lifestyle.
Staying healthy is hard work.

He’s not wrong about that.

That said, the point that R misses entirely is that T wasn’t referring to this AT ALL.
She was referring to those who struggle with weight no matter what they do. She’s referring to the fact that the only acceptable form of prejudice in our current society is that against overweight people.

I wish I hadn’t read this whole thing because, my God, have I been struggling with the ED triggers this week—simply because of an arrogant prick who can’t get his head around the fact that calorie restriction + exercise ≠ weight loss.

It is NOT a Truth Universally Recognized that a Single Body in Possession of Fat Ass Cheeks Must be in Want of Portion Control.

If that were true, I would have been hospitalized years ago.
I’m not skinny. I don’t look “fit”—whateverthefuck that means.

But?

I can kick almost anyone’s ass in dance endurance.

 
Want some more truth?
 

The way someone looks rarely has anything to do
with their actual health.

I’m a very, very good dancer.

But I don’t look like one.

Don’t you love the bit where he tells me that I don’t understand science or debate?
Because, clearly, I’m the one making circumstantial ad hominem attacks. Oh, and setting up Straw Man arguments…but that might be okay if the Straw Men in question are skinny.

So let’s actually get all accurate and scientific-y and run over a few diseases that can cause inexplicable weight gain, shall we?

 
 
Cancer

Cushing’s Syndrome

PCOS

Kidney, Heart, Liver Disease

Hypothyroidism

Celiac Disease (not common)

Preeclampsia

Low Metabolism
 
 

Oh,
could there be other instances of weight gain
that are not, in fact, caused by overeating?

Why yes, there are!

 
SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) drugs–
Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft

Prednisone

Hormone Replacement Therapy

 
Allow me to quote:
 

From http://www.netnutritionist.com/fa12.htm
by Gay Riley, MS, RD, CCN:

“Anticonvulsants/Mood Stabilizers

These drugs were initially used only for seizure disorders. The following anticonvulsants are now prescribed frequently in the treatment of bipolar disorder and other selected forms of depression:

* Carbamazepine (Tegretol®)
* Divalproex (Depakote®)
* Gabapentin (Neurontin®)
* Lamotrigine (Lamictal®)
* Topiramate (Topamax®)

Anticonvulsants tend to cause hyperinsulinemia (elevated insulin in the blood) and increased appetite leading to weight gain. Hyperinsulinemia also results in increased testosterone, which causes a risk to women on these medications for development of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (POS). Polycystic ovary syndrome can cause weight gain, male pattern baldness, increased facial hair, skin tags, acne, infertility, high blood pressure, abnormal lipid levels, and heart disease.

Seizure disorder studies showed that patients taking anticonvulsants who had either a normal or below normal body mass index had the most severe weight gain.”

 
 

In terms of arguing physics,
as R so flagrantly fails to do,
I’m going to refer to four arguments made by the wonderful Ragen of the Body Positive Dance Company:

“The first law [of Thermodynamics] states that in a thermodynamic process, the increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system, minus the increment of work done by the system on its surroundings. It is often simplified to “energy can neither be created nor destroyed”.

I do not disagree with the law. But, note the first four words “In a thermodynamic process..” What I disagree with is the gross misrepresentation of the human body as a perfect thermodynamic process.
I have four issues with this:

Issue 1: It assumes that there is no option for calories other than to be burned or stored
…
Issue 2: It asserts that Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) is Easily Predictable and Stable
…
Issue 3: It requires that the body be a perfectly efficient calorie burning machine
…
Issue 4: If we wanted long term weight loss using this theory then we’d have to eventually turn to starvation
…
Bonus Issue: Your friend who eats everything in sight and never gains weight.

Everyone knows somebody like this. I have a number of friends who eat way more than I do, exercise less and stay rail thin. Why do these people get to credit their metabolism but I’m just fat lazy excuse-making slob if I suggest that my metabolism may be as slow as theirs is fast?

So next time somebody tells you that it’s just calories in/calories out, consider telling them that you’ll be happy to talk to them about it once they have recited the laws of thermodynamics, defined the Harris-Benedict Equation and discussed its specific limitations, and explained your friend who eats a ton and doesn’t gain weight.”

 
You should read the whole article–
she makes all the points that I’ve been trying to make for years,
in a completely clear and scientific manner,
God bless her.

 

I don’t know if I can say it any more clearly than this:
 
 
I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT BECAUSE I EXERCISE TOO LITTLE AND INGEST TOO MANY CALORIES.

Am I making myself clear?
Am I making any of the hundreds of reasons
why exercise and diet just don’t make a damn bit of a difference
for so many, many people any clearer?

Because I’m sick of this shit.
I’m sick of having my health,
and the health of thousands of people who literally
and truly cannot help what they weigh,
called into question by complete buffoons,
and by the Modern Health System.

Ragen?
From the earlier quoted article?
She’s an athlete who wins dance competitions.
She is hella more flexible than I am,
probably stronger,
and she eats a healthy, balanced diet.

She also weighs over 200 pounds.

She has been denied health insurance because of this.

Our country has a seriously fucked up notion of what healthy means,
and what it looks like.

 
 

No matter how easy it seems,
food is NOT A FUCKING MATH PROBLEM.

I would love to stick that man,
or anyone who gets uppity about the “simplicity” of weight loss,
in my body for one Goddamned day just so they could have a glimmer of understanding of what it’s like to deal with disordered eating.

Food is so much more than calories. It shouldn’t be, but it IS.

I’m TIRED of being preached at, even inadvertently, by people who have no comprehension about how difficult weight loss and weight gain can be. People who refuse to acknowledge the existence of diseases like PCOS and hypothyroidism; disorders like binge eating and compulsive overeating. People who want to simplify everything into binary code, into easily solvable, easily explainable, tidy MATH.

This man has no clue about what it’s like to fluctuate ten pounds every month because of estrogen. He has no clue what it’s like to work and work and work and eat/not eat/eat/not eat and still never see the weight come off like it’s
“supposed to”, if weight WERE just a math problem.

I pity his wife and daughters.

 
I just wish there was more compassion in the world for all of us who struggle with weight–in all of the forms that those struggles take.

That’s all.

If you’re ignorant,
wise up.
If you’re being told that you are wrong,
and that your arguments can be disproved,
be an adult,
do your homework,
admit that the Laws of Thermodynamics are meant for closed systems,
and that they were never intended to be applied to the human body.

Be compassionate.
Learn.

That is simple.

 
 

(And? Using “LOL” in a serious discussion automatically makes you wrong.)

ly ly ly ly

 

 
“My bad.”

…

Does anyone actually think that “disagreeance” is a word?

Because I might have to stab you with a spork.

Anne Shirley: Ass Kicker

 
I am an L.M. Montgomery fan.

As in,
I believe I’ve read every single book she wrote,
and loved them all,
in spite of their flaws
(orphan syndrome, sometime suffering from Victorian effusiveness,
similarities in plots).

That caveat aside,
I was doing some serious thinkering today about common heroines
in current YA literature,
and comparing them to Anne Shirley from “Anne of Green Gables”.

And?

They just don’t match up.

Let’s take the current contender for the most popular/well-known
heroine of today:

Bella Swan

She is:

1. Two dimensional.
2. Nondescript.
3. Mediocre.
4. Places all of her worth on a boy/man/Sparkly Pants McVampire.
5. Is an ass to her dad without cause.
6. Apathetic.
7. Places her intelligence consistently and constantly below everyone else.
   (especially GlitterBoy).
8. Does not grow.
9. Ever.

(The Oatmeal says it best…he usually does)
 
 
Anne Shirley, on the other hand?

1. Comes from a background of poverty and abuse, and rises above it.
2. Refuses to play the victim card.
3. Works her ass off for everything.
4. Is dramatic and often temperamental, but does everything she can to exert self-control over this.
5. Does not place her worth on a man.
6. Ambitious.
7. Ridiculously intelligent–but this is developed through the books–she doesn’t start out as a genius.
8. Goes to college, succeeds through hard work and determination during a time in which higher education was NOT approved of for women.
9. Marries Gilbert not because he completes her, but because he makes her want to be a better human being.
10. Marries a man who loves her for her intelligence, beauty, character, and because she makes him want to be a better human being.
11. Never loses herself when she has children (which is a truly awesome trait that Montgomery invests in her, especially in light of the Victorian Era in which Anne was created).
12. Her relationships with Marilla, Diana, and Leslie Moore are beautiful
    and real–they have disagreements, fights even, but they come out of them better. There is no cat-fighting bitchery here.
13. She grows up.

Through seven books, Anne continues to mature and develop as a fantastic heroine–she is the kind of woman who would come running if you needed her.

(Honestly,
a character created in the Victorian Era is a better speaker for the rights of women
than a 21st century “liberated” teenager.)
 
 
Let me put it this way:

Who would you rather have on your side in The Zombiepocalypse?

Bella Swan would be too busy crying over Pretty Fangs O’busive Boy
to actually, you know, wield something useful, but then again,
she claims to be clumsy–easy Zombie fodder with one simple untied shoelace.
 
 
Anne?

*pssht*

She saves babies from croup, man.
I have no problem believing in her ability to wield a shotgun
all over some zombie ass.

"He called me carrots! So I blew his head off."

 
 
(also? I TOTALLY have rights to the Zombie version of “Anne of Green Gables”. Just sayin’.)

Huh:

Apparently, searching for the following will bring folks here:

Thomas Kinkade Person
(well, yes, he probably is a person.
unless he’s been sent from a far away planet to infect
all human life with his creepifying works of schlock…)

Art is the Biggest Blasphemy

Medieval Boobs
(which are different from regular boobs…how?)

Medieval Puck
(darlings…DARLINGS…what did we learn about Renaissance vs. Medieval?
unless, of course, you’re actually looking for Robin Goodfellow legends,
in which case, Google on!)

Pynchon is God

…

I always wonder if the folks who get directed here
under such duress actually stick around,
or if they enjoy what they find…
even if I don’t think that Pynchon is God.