Elect This:

 

No one has gotten any work done today at the office.

The writers are all Democrats,
so they’ve been alternately cheering and swooning in despair
over preliminary election results;
the resident Libertarians (one editor, one coordinator, et moi)
have basically shrugged their shoulders
because they know their candidate ain’t making it,
and since I’m in Hollywood,
I don’t think there’s a Republican within 15 miles of here.

Next year?

I’m voting for Mickey Mouse.

The Problem with Carrots:

 

Everyone knows that you’re eating them.

Along with Puffins cereal and celery,
carrots are some of The Loudest Food Known to Man.

…

Maybe that’s why I like bread so much–
it’s stealthy.

You’d never see a ninja eating carrots.