Admit It:

You have a least one completely, utterly, unabashedly ridiculous thing you wish for in a husband/wife.

I think we all do.

 

Mine?

Legion.

 

But among them,
I have this spectacularly obtuse desire to marry a wealthy man.

The kind of guy who drives a fancy car.
(even though I mock them on the freeway)

The kind of guy who doesn’t bat an eye at a $400 dinner for two.
(even though I would have a brain hemorrhage from that kind of frivolity)

 

I think a great deal of that stems from this last while of being
unemployed, necessarily frugal and scared.
Even though I know (I know!) that wealth does not mean happiness,
and even the most wealthy can lose every penny,
I just…long for tangible security, I s’ppose.

 
 
So there’s my ricockulousness.

What are yours?

Sneaking Around The Man:

 

So we all know that I have aberrant pink hair, oui?

 

I also have an interview with a very upscale corporate firm tomorrow.

And it’s a personal referral through one of The Boyo’s co-workers.

 

In other words,
I don’t want to fuck this up.

 

So I did this today:

Nice, normal, aberrant hair

 

 

nice, corporate, expected, BORING hair

 

 

oh look, there's some color.

Now tell me,
if you didn’t *know* that I had pink hair,
would you even begin to suspect that the above is NOT my real hair?

‘Coz that’s gonna matter,
right around 2pm tomorrow.

New Resolutions:

Which I really don’t make.

At least not publicly.

But for the sake of resolving, here goes:

1) Kick the pants off of my second salsa performance in February
2) One to two hours of yoga every week
3) GET A DAMN JOB
4) Teach The Corgi how to walk properly on a leash
5) Make something beautiful every month

How ’bout you?

Congratulations!

Got this little jewel in my inbox today:

“Hello,

Congratulations! This is a tentative offer of employment for the available Administrative Assistant position in the corporate offices of Patron Tequila, Inc.

As you know, this position pays a generous salary, plus benefits, and also provides potential to earn additional bonuses and incentives throughout the year. We are hiring rapidly at this time, and are fully prepared to make you an employment offer, provided that you comply with the rest of the recruitment terms.

This is a full-time position. You will be responsible for assisting the VP of sales, filing, keeping track of interoffice expenses and supplies, reserving conference rooms, answering phones, planning travel for sales executives, payroll review, and other related tasks. Experience working as a receptionist, secretary, or administrative assistant is helpful, but not required as fully paid training is provided.

To accept these terms and move on to the final stage of the recruitment process, you must provide us with a current copy of your credit report to go in your employment file. Patron Tequila, Inc. has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to theft of company property. Your actual credit scores and payment history are not important to us; rather it is a means of verifying your identity, and will also serve as your acceptance of the position. Once you fill out the report, an email is automatically generated that notifies us of your acceptance of the position. Once we receive notification that you have completed the report, we immediately mail you new-hire paperwork along with times for the next orientation. Be sure to bring 2 forms of identification with you to the orientation.

Your free report can be obtained here: http://employer-reports.org/employee01985/

We are hiring very aggressively, therefore this tentative offer of employment will expire three (3) full business days after the date sent. If you choose not to accept the offer, or have any questions, please email me directly.

We appreciate your interest in joining the team at Patron Tequila, Inc. and hope you decide to come aboard!

Sincerely,

Sarah Pudwill-Bryson
Regional Manager, Human Resources
Patron Tequila, Inc.

This message contains information from Patron Tequila, Inc. that may be confidential and privileged. If you are not an intended recipient, please refrain from any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of this information and note that such actions are prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately.”

…

Really.
REALLY?!?

No phone call,
no interview,
and you’re going to hire me???

Oh,
wind up the choir of angels, y’all!
A faceless corporate entity is gonna hire my desperate ass!

…wait…did they just ask for my credit report?

This is the kind of scam that just makes my jaw drop–
no company has *any* right to that kind of information.
Credit reports include bank account numbers,
loans and lenders,
social security number…
essentially, it’s Identity Theft 101.

And what really makes me nuts?

There are so many, many people who will fall for it,
because they’ve been out of work for so long,
and so desperately need it.

I wish there was something more I could do aside from flagging on Craigslist.
Makes me want to reach out and punch someone.

ps (seriously, unless you have interviewed in person and signed a contract, don’t give out your driver’s license number, your social security number–NOTHING. these scams are way too common right now–you don’t want to be out of work *and* dealing with identity theft.)

(re)Test:

A year ago,
I turned down a fairly lucrative job possibility at UCLA.

It was for their stem cell research department.
I asked if they used adult stem cells,
but no,
it was all embryonic.

I walked away from that possibility
because I knew I couldn’t stand before God
and admit to being a part of killing children
just because I was afraid I couldn’t pay the rent.

And I’ve been able to pay my rent,
in spite of that
(because of that?)
decision.

One week ago,
I got a call to interview with a company called Break Media.

I called The Boyo,
excited to have an interview after so many months without one.

He looked up the company.

And I heard hesitation in his voice.

They’re a company that “knows guys”.
Because “guys” flock in droves to their sites,
Holyta*co being my favorite example of the unapologetic misogyny they represent.

If I took this job,
I would lose any right I have to speak up about
unfair representation of women in the media.
I would be a part of the industry that contributes to
my eating disorder on a regular basis.
I would be a part of pretending that it’s “normal” for guys to behave like animals.

It isn’t.

And that’s probably the most insulting part of this company’s M.O.–
it would almost be better if they were *actually* dealing in porn,
instead of dismissing their onslaught of photos and videos of girls in
compromising clothing and positions as “boys will be boys”.

That’s a lie.

Boys can be Men.

If I took that job,
I would never be able to ask that of any man I love or care for.

What went through my head as I found out more about this company was something like this:

“Again?

Another job possibility I can’t follow up on for reasons of morality?

But I passed this test!
Why must I take it again?”

I didn’t understand.
I don’t understand.

I know that God’s ways are mysterious,
but sometimes?

I wish He would pull back the curtain,
just a little.

One of the hardest bits of this whole hellish year
has been feeling as though I have to bite my tongue–
I’m healthy.
I have a roof over my head,
clothes on my back,
shoes I can hock if I need to,
amazing friends who have covered my ass in more ways than
I could possibly count.

When I think about what Friend Mary went through–
cancer-losing-her-house-in-a-fire-chronic-pain-surgeries-surgeries…
my problems are so…beige.

But that doesn’t make the hurt
and the disappointment any easier to bear.

There are a few ordeals that happened this year
that I still don’t talk about with anyone, really.

It just feels like one test
after another
after another,
and no matter whether I make good decisions,
right decisions,
decisions that continue to imperil me on the graces of
unemployment and uncertainty,
the tempest still comes.

It is a hard hard thing to realize
that happiness is not my inalienable right.

Charted:

Still the worst part of my day, hands down.

Finally!

I finished restoring a dresser last Thursday.

Because,
well,
I’m 29, y’all.

That’s way too old to still be storing my clothes
in a three-drawer crappy plastic bin from Wal-Mart.

I was taking Le Pooch for a walk,
and sauntered past a dresser ditched by the side of the road.
I come from a loooong line of dumpster diving trash pickers,
so naturally,
I stopped to take a look at it.

It’s maple,
probably from the early 70s,
and still in (fairly) decent condition.

There was no way I could drag it home by myself,
though I did allow momentary visions of hooking The Damn Dog up to a sleigh
and hollering “MUSH!” over her head.

Now,
the last furniture liberation project I had was back at my old Inglehood place–
On a dark and stormy night,
I convinced The Boyo to help me get an enormous dresser
(I had to ditch the drawers, since they were so beat up)
made of particle board, weighing in at about 200 pounds,
covered in rain and mud,
into the back of his Kia,
with me perched on it, since the rear door wouldn’t shut,
up the very steep hill and two flights of stairs to my apartment.

He’s a trooper.

And,
consequently,
when I dropped a hint that there *might* be another dresser down the street
that *could* use a little love…
he was…um…reluctant.

(gosh, and it wasn’t even raining!)

Not to mention the fact that most of his belongings
are in the back of our old friend The Kia,
since he’s in the middle of a move,
so if liberating was to occur,
it would have to be with our four arms and legs.

I asked him to just come look at it with me;
and somehow,
we ended up carrying it home two blocks.

At night.

In a city that doesn’t really believe in street lights.

There may have been a couple of smashed fingers along the way,
but all in the name of home improvement, my friends!

(oh hai, Boyo! I love you!)

That last project,
fondly called “The Behemoth”,
took me nearly three months start to finish–
it was the first piece of furniture I’d ever mucked with,
and there were a few…miscommunications…regarding paint and polyurethane and primer and…
yeah.

I ended up finishing the whole thing incorrectly,
and had to sand it ALL back down and start over again.

It took forever.
And there may have been tears.

But it turned out bea-yew-ti-fully!

Picture this without all the accoutrements--pretty, oui?

So when I picked this dresser up,
I knew that I didn’t want to be quite as anal about it,
especially after the look of consternation Roommate Jessie gave me
when I gave her an estimate of three weeks to get it done.

Rather beat up...and 70s...but look at that maple!

Oh, the poor thing!

(I had to create a workspace on the back patio with a tarp,
a couple of bungee cords and a handy patio umbrella.)

I love me some big-ass tarp, y'all.

I started poking around for ideas,
and came across Centsational Girl,
who made this lovely piece of magic:

*gasp!*

Seriously?

You can water down paint without it,
I dunno,
mangling or otherwise causing your furniture to implode?

SWEET.

I ran down to Home Depot and picked up two sample paints by Behr,
one in Pool Table Green,
and the other in Realm,
watered them down just enough to make the paint thinner,
and mixed them together to get a true peacock blue.

They are flat finish,
which weirded me out at first,
but ended up looking lovely under a satin finish poly.

The great (AWESOME) thing about using watered down paint
is that your brushstrokes don’t matter as much.
When I painted The Behemoth,
I agonized over making the top absolutely perfect,
which is difficult using an eggshell finish latext paint.

This time?

I just slapped the stuff on there–
and it was actually fun!

I wanted this piece to be a bit imperfect,
a bit rough,
and I really wanted the warm maple tones to show through.

(I had a bit more repair work to do than I thought initially,
which involved judicious amounts of Elmer’s Wood Glue,
and since I am clampless,
strapping tape–and it worked okay, but clamps are on my “I should have these around because they’re kinda handy, yo” list.)

The other great thing about using watered down paint
is that it dries faster,
which meant that I was able to paint all nine of the drawers
AND poly them in the same day.

DUDE!

Apologies for the fuzziness...as is my wont, I often worked on this after dark...

It took me five days to finish this sucker–
including the Cephalopod detail on the side and drawers.

Oh, and here's our dresser presenter of fluffiness, NAMI!

Isn't he cute?

So preeeeetty!!!

Five.

Days.

Now,
my back isn’t happy with the speed in which I knocked this out,
but it does mean that I won’t have a messy project going now that
Her Fluffiness the Corgi is living here.

Instead,
I’ll have a cute dresser to pose her next to.

‘Coz,
really,
that’s what matters.

(Dear CentsationalGirl: Thank you. Seriously–you are magic.)

Supplies Used:

I used a Purdy paintbrush for Latex paints for this project. Purdy’s are expensive as heck, but totally worth the spectacular results.

I used this pearlescent paint from Modern Masters for the Cephalopod detail,
and painted it on with my water color brushes.
It is a bit…truculent to work with, but turns out pretty.

The polyurethane I used was Miniwax’s Satin Finish.
I may hate poly with the fires of hell,
but it makes for less-easily-destroyed furniture.

I wasn’t able to finish The Behemoth with a coat of poly
(shiny finish black furniture = Chinese lacquer = SHUDDER),
and it’s constantly in danger of getting scratched.
That won’t be a problem with this dresser.

…

And because I believe in torturing you with THE CUTE:

Aw, precious love!

Preview!

Shiny!

Look at that prettypretty color!!!

I’m waiting for the last coat of polyurethane to dry,
then I’ll post the final results once I get it all set up in my room.

And now?

I take nap.

Dust in My Eyes:

(that teeny bit of green? Forest Lawn Cemetary)

This is the house of constant parties. And next to it? The street Zambonis. That never turn their engines off.

The Ranchero Apartments. Home of tubas, off-key singing, and lecherous old men. I never parked on that side of the street.

The Stupid Triangular Cupboard in which Nothing Ever Fit

All Artwork Copyright of Rebecca S. Rea, 2010
All Rights Reserved

Dear Douchnozzle:

You stole my bike seat.

Wanker.

I hope you are blessed with the fiery wrath of hemorrhoids.

Kisses,

Becca