I have four days before our wedding.
dancer. reader. thinker.
04 Feb 2013 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: All families are psychotic, friends, I love my crazy friends, most people take naps when they are sick--I finish wedding projects, panicking, Possibly insane, wedding, Wedding Coordinator, weddings, Would you like a side of awkward with that family gathering?
I have four days before our wedding.
25 Sep 2012 13 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: A Case of the Bridal Horrors, bridal, budget wedding, caviar dreams on a mc donald's budget, If I'm skinny will you finally leave me alone?, the language of flowers often sounds like insults, This moment of tactlessness brought to you by..., wedding, Wedding Coordinator, wedding guests, Would you like a side of awkward with that family gathering?
On my list of things that I am currently afraid of happening at our wedding:
1) My bridesmaids actually hate their dresses and are just being kind about them
2) We are, in fact, having a hipster wedding (but…but…there’s no Pabst! and we’re not serving kimchi!)
3) In five years, I’m going to hate the dress I wore
4) My dress will turn out badly (through no fault of Amanda’s)
5) My mother will, in fact, be incapable of putting her damn camera down
6) Our guests won’t like the food
7) We won’t get a photographer
8) My leaf garlands will look stupid and tacky and all my snorting at Michael’s Crafts wedding aisle will be for naught
9) I will wish that I had worn sleeves
10) My grandmother will say something snide and insulting about my body
11) Our geeky references will just appear snotty
12) No one will RSVP and we will have 400 guests show up and will have to send a groomsmen to Costco for food
13) I will trip on my way down the stairs, taking Ben with me, bashing in our teeth, and end up both dead and homeless
14) It won’t be beautiful
Anyone have a Quaalude they can give me?
18 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: All families are psychotic, crossfit, friend mary, harder better faster stronger, I love my crazy friends, laurajane, the Boyo, The Roommate, when you say one thing and mean your mother, WOD, workouts, Would you like a side of awkward with that family gathering?
20 bench jumps/tuck-jumps
1 min extended plank
I’m still processing my grandfather’s death and memorial.
There is so much I want to say about all of it,
that I’m just choking on the whole thing instead.
I am so grateful for my sister, for The Boyo,
and for the dear friends who listened to my first explosions
after the memorial.
Thank you for holding me.
Thank you for helping me both feel and be better.
29 Mar 2012 8 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: All families are psychotic, depression, If I'm skinny will you finally leave me alone?, legalism, mea culpa I suppose, modesty, ridiculous, So my choice is "or death" then?, The terrorists have won!, This "Woman" Thing Kinda Blows, This moment of tactlessness brought to you by..., when you say one thing and mean your mother, Would you like a side of awkward with that family gathering?, your MOM
My extended family is converging on Southern California
for my grandfather’s memorial.
Among the ridiculous things I have done to prepare for this onslaught:
1) Situps and pushups every night because my family is a family of skinny asses, except for me and my mom (thanks for the thighs, MOM)
2) Squats in the shower (see above)
3) White strips for my genetically murky teeth (DAD)
4) Frenetic face washing in the hopes that those pores will shrink (MOM!)
5) Spanx dance
6) Trying on every. single. piece. of. clothing. in my closet because showing your collarbones in my family is immodest
7) Realizing that I own ONE boat-neck blouse, and it is probably “informal”, according to the Boyo
8) Panicking about the correct date to get a manicure, since I will be making floral arrangements for the services
9) Putting a tablespoon of coconut oil on my morning toast, because
Someone Said it will make my skin prettier
10) Dropped almost $300 on a haircut and color so at least
my head looks presentable
11) Started counting calories again
13) A lot.
And if all of this sounds like just so much sturm und drang…
You haven’t interacted with my family.
Because what I should be thinking about are the
memories I have of my grandfather.
What I should be thinking about is how much I’m looking forward
to seeing my cousins again.
What I should be thinking about is how to help my grandmother.
I am not.
Because I am not good enough for my parents.
Never have been.
Never will be.
Nor am I good enough for my grandmother.
I was never defended from her acerbic tongue by either of my parents,
not as a child,
certainly not as an adult.
I could show up at the memorial,
dressed to the homeschooled nines
(because we’re not legalists like those Mennonites!)
in an ankle-length jumper,
with my hair hidden under a long-ass wig,
and my family would still find something to criticize.
That’s just what they do.
Thirty years of this,
and I am still voiceless.
So I will do what I have always done:
Wear something reasonable.
Say very little.
Find a corner to hole away into every couple of hours.
I wish my sister was coming.
Update: Sister was able to get a ticket after all!
I am so, so grateful that she will be there.