I Stuck a Wooden Spoon in the Mixer Tonight:

was making cookies,
all dolled up in my standard cooking garb,

wahtcha!

the ankle and spoon grip are terribly important

with my awesome cooking music playing
(fruitbats this time);
turned the kitchenaid on,
but had the bright idea that maybe,
just maybe,
it wasn’t doing its job well enough.

i grabbed my wooden spoon and stuck it into the paddle…
which was still on.

and proceeded to get my knuckles thwacked repeatedly.
i didn’t even have the sense to get my hand out of there–
i kept thinking, “OW! hey! i’m trying OW to fix this OW!”

apparently, i should stick to mixing things sans kitchenaid,
since it’s actually kind of impressive that i’ve made it to the ripe old age of 28 with all of my digits intact.

and now for a bit of honesty.

life’s been rough lately.

not in any dramatic way.

just the quiet ways.
that add up.
until, one morning,
you just can’t seem to force yourself to get out of bed.
and the only thing that eventually sends you crawling for clothing
is the fact that The Dog must be walked.

i’ve been out of work since August of 2009.

i have a BA.
i have a teaching credential.
i have applied for an average of 10-20 jobs every week,
and have had at least one interview every month since then.

eventually,
you start to wonder what’s wrong with you–
not “what can i do better in my next interview”,
because you’ve already asked that,
you’ve already done that.
instead, the question becomes “what’s wrong with me?”

i’m not truly a career-oriented person;
i want to like my job,
but i’ve never been balls-to-the-wall-gung-ho about advancing
and getting myself promoted.

but this whole no-employer-wants-me-thing
has been wearing at me for a while now,
and i’m finding it harder everyday to be productive;
to do things as simple as put away my laundry
or get my sorry ass off the couch.

my roomates have been fantastically supportive,
as has The Boyo,
but i’m not going to lie–
every interview i go on that doesn’t pan out,
every job i apply for with a sinking feeling–
but still apply for since there isn’t much else available–
every time i send a resume and never hear back…

it all adds up to me wanting to hole up in my room for good.

(i know i’m fortunate to not have a family relying on me for income.
i’m grateful for that–
and for those of you in that situation,
you have my prayers that it will get better soon.)

i just wish i could find the ability to hope for something good again.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joe Echevarria
    May 11, 2010 @ 07:38:35

    I so know the feeling. I have been underemployed for so long that I am starting to wonder if maybe I am gonna end up in Jail translating dreams and hoping someone remembers me to the pharoah, ya know what I am saying? I am thinking “Hey God! Where is that hedge you used to have around me! I am feeling kind of exposed here!”

    Find humor, and know that you are loved, because those that love you love your light, and if you hide it in your room, their world gets a little bit darker. Please, don’t let the things that are beautiful about you get lost behind the situations that aren’t!

    Hope to see you around one day soon!
    Blessings

    El Harpcato
    Joe Joe

    Reply

  2. Ryan Osinski
    May 11, 2010 @ 08:27:53

    This is why now is the perfect time to go back and get your masters degree. By the time you finish, the economy will be better and you will make more.

    Or… you can switch to speech pathology or ultrasound tech and work half the amount of hours for double the pay and one tenth the stress.

    The best investors all agree: when the market is down the savvy get rich buying what no one wants or has the courage to risk buying.

    You can twist this situation to your advantage… and end up taking over the world.

    Reply

    • cheekypinky
      May 11, 2010 @ 19:39:42

      taking over the world = RAD
      student loans (‘specially since i don’t have any right now) = not really sure i want that hanging over my head.

      see, ry,
      i’m not really a risk-taker.
      i just kinda want a 9-to-5 job that doesn’t take over my life,
      and yet still manages to pay my bills.

      do i want my MA/MFA?

      absolutely.

      does it seem wise or feasible right now?

      no.

      Reply

  3. Shawna
    May 11, 2010 @ 14:27:35

    I couldn’t read this and not reply. Aside from the face that I love the way you write, this moved me. In a sad way. There are days when I feel that same feeling of wanting to just shut myself in my room and keep out the world. While I am not ‘unemployed’ there are other aspects of my life, or who I am, that drag me down. In some, dark, depressing way, it makes me just a little bit glad that someone, whose life is not like my own, shares these feelings. It makes me think that, perhaps, these emotions are not cursed and crazy, but just a little bit human.

    I’m glad you shared. I like you cooking outfit. And be careful with those wooden spoons and kitchen equipment, they might be out to get you.

    smile at today, or perhaps despite today. And remember that there is one extra person thinking of you with hope and prayers. 🙂

    Reply

  4. Terry
    May 12, 2010 @ 06:33:32

    Dearest, I second Shawna. Employed, I have similar feelings about other areas, and I’ve certainly had days – after days – where I found dragging myself out of bed a monumental and likely unrewarding task. I’m sorry that you’re going through that now. I’ll be praying that things look up soon, and that in the meantime they will look better.

    Have you thought about stock photography? You take great pictures. No student loan required.

    And I also love your cooking outfit and the all-important martial cooking arts pose. Watch out for the Spoons of Unusual Ferocity! 😉

    Reply

  5. L
    May 13, 2010 @ 17:06:37

    Hey. I love you.
    Let’s take over the world, shall we?
    I have some ideas.
    We will need to discuss.

    Reply

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