On the Difficulties of Restriction:


Which sounds way more hoity-toity than it actually is.

I went to a follow up appointment with my doctor,
and found out that nothing is Actually Wrong with Me.

My body is just being a dick.

All of my blood tests came back completely normal,
with a little bit of, “oh, you need more vitamin D,
and should probably take fish oil”.

So the being sick after eating at any restaurant,
the violent reaction to soy,
the struggling to keep salad down?

Ain’t no thing.


my doctor recommended that I go gluten-free for six months.

I’m currently trying it out for two weeks.


‘Coz here’s the bitch about eliminating an entire (and large!)
food group from my diet:

I’m recovering from a ten year eating disorder.
Restricting is a really bad plan.

And because,
my brain is broken when it comes to food,
my first reaction upon being told to go gluten-free
was to feel guilty about the food that I’ve been eating.

If I had been good,
I wouldn’t be sick.

If I had been eating less,
I wouldn’t be sick.

If I had stuck to a handful of almonds and a piece of fruit in the morning,
I wouldn’t be sick.

If I weren’t eating things like whole-grain english muffins,
I would be skinny.

In my brain,
she was telling me this because
I am a bad person.

(Welcome to the eating disordered mind, people.)

All of which makes just trying out gluten-free
a daunting task.

It’s not really because I think gluten-free bread tastes like a moldy paper cup.

It’s because I feel like I’ve been bad,
and if I hadn’t been,
I wouldn’t be dealing with this.

It sucks.


ps (And? No more saltines when I’m sick? *tears*)


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kmeg
    Sep 15, 2011 @ 16:07:17

    I’ll eat saltines for you, girl! =P


  2. Laura Jane
    Sep 15, 2011 @ 16:35:14

    Lovely girl. You are lovely. I know that a friend’s words are not going to change what your brain whispers to you about food and your body and all that stuff, but it’s worth a shot, you know? So. You are lovely.

    And guess what? Eating GF is actually (dare I say it? DARE I? I DARE!) FUN. Shit you not, I’ve found some of the coolest alternatives in the past few weeks. And I miss my sammiches, but praise to almighty Zeus, you need to try Udi’s bread from Whole Foods. It makes for a decent sandwich and a damn good piece o’toast. I have some in my freezer. We shall toast soon.


  3. Shawna
    Sep 15, 2011 @ 17:44:13

    the depressed and angry brain kind of runs that gamut of “logical thought” too. Instead of hearing “I can’t make it this weekend, I’m not feeling so hot” it hears, “I’m not coming to hang out with you, I’ve never really liked you I just HAVE to pretend I do because that is what GOOD people do. God I’m glad I have an excuse to getting out of this shit.”

    it’s fun.


  4. Shawna
    Sep 15, 2011 @ 17:45:48

    and maybe you should just use the gluten free as an excuse to try as many new chocolate torte recipes as you can find. hehehe. That’s what I’d do. *grin*


  5. Jonathan Ross
    Sep 15, 2011 @ 22:50:58

    Your brain is full of shit! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman, who I have been kicking myself (Kristine too) for not yet having had the pleasure of getting to know.

    Personally, I recommend the “fuck-off” rule when my brain starts doing stuff like that. It always helps me. The correct recipe though is always first the “fuck” and then the “off”. It must be these two words and they must be said out loud! 🙂

    Then remember that your friends, and those who would like to be, think great thoughts about you and are simply excited to know you share in their life.



  6. Somer
    Sep 16, 2011 @ 04:57:39

    I can’t change your brain, but I can give you food ideas if you want them. Ben’s mom is gluten free so I have had to come up with meal ideas that were both gluten free AND kosher, a daunting task. One thing I really, really like is the Quinoa Pasta. Especially in the cute little spirals. It goes well with both red sauces and cream sauces, although I usually do red. It doesn’t have any funny non-pasta taste to it either. We also do soft tacos with corn tortillas when we have her over for dinner. Cause mexican food is always good. And have you heard of Beanitos chips. Yum, yum, yum! Many of their flavors are gluten free, soy free, corn free, and they are still amazing. Black bean is my favorite flavor. I could go on, so hit me up if you get stuck in a rut. Love you, Bec.


  7. cheekypinky
    Sep 16, 2011 @ 09:04:35

    I love you all.

    I honestly and truly don’t know what I would do without each of you.

    Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement–
    I really need it right now. 🙂


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