Not Sure if “Paranoid” Or Just “Bride”:

 

On my list of things that I am currently afraid of happening at our wedding:

1) My bridesmaids actually hate their dresses and are just being kind about them
2) We are, in fact, having a hipster wedding (but…but…there’s no Pabst! and we’re not serving kimchi!)
3) In five years, I’m going to hate the dress I wore
4) My dress will turn out badly (through no fault of Amanda’s)
5) My mother will, in fact, be incapable of putting her damn camera down
6) Our guests won’t like the food
7) We won’t get a photographer
8) My leaf garlands will look stupid and tacky and all my snorting at Michael’s Crafts wedding aisle will be for naught
9) I will wish that I had worn sleeves
10) My grandmother will say something snide and insulting about my body
11) Our geeky references will just appear snotty
12) No one will RSVP and we will have 400 guests show up and will have to send a groomsmen to Costco for food
13) I will trip on my way down the stairs, taking Ben with me, bashing in our teeth, and end up both dead and homeless
14) It won’t be beautiful

 

Anyone have a Quaalude they can give me?

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Everything That Rises Must Converge:

 

My extended family is converging on Southern California
for my grandfather’s memorial.

Among the ridiculous things I have done to prepare for this onslaught:

1) Situps and pushups every night because my family is a family of skinny asses, except for me and my mom (thanks for the thighs, MOM)
2) Squats in the shower (see above)
3) White strips for my genetically murky teeth (DAD)
4) Frenetic face washing in the hopes that those pores will shrink (MOM!)
5) Spanx dance
6) Trying on every. single. piece. of. clothing. in my closet because showing your collarbones in my family is immodest
7) Realizing that I own ONE boat-neck blouse, and it is probably “informal”, according to the Boyo
8) Panicking about the correct date to get a manicure, since I will be making floral arrangements for the services
9) Putting a tablespoon of coconut oil on my morning toast, because
Someone Said it will make my skin prettier
10) Dropped almost $300 on a haircut and color so at least
my head looks presentable
11) Started counting calories again

12) Cried.

13) A lot.

 

And if all of this sounds like just so much sturm und drang
You haven’t interacted with my family.

Because what I should be thinking about are the
memories I have of my grandfather.
What I should be thinking about is how much I’m looking forward
to seeing my cousins again.
What I should be thinking about is how to help my grandmother.

 

I am not.

Because I am not good enough for my parents.
Never have been.
Never will be.
Nor am I good enough for my grandmother.
I was never defended from her acerbic tongue by either of my parents,
not as a child,
certainly not as an adult.

I could show up at the memorial,
dressed to the homeschooled nines
(because we’re not legalists like those Mennonites!)
in an ankle-length jumper,
crewneck blouse,
tights,
and flats,
with my hair hidden under a long-ass wig,
and my family would still find something to criticize.

Your ELBOWS are showing! HUSSY.

 

That’s just what they do.

Thirty years of this,
and I am still voiceless.

 

So I will do what I have always done:

Go.
Wear something reasonable.
Smile.
Say very little.
Find a corner to hole away into every couple of hours.

 

I wish my sister was coming.

 

Update: Sister was able to get a ticket after all!
I am so, so grateful that she will be there.

Yesternight’s Workout:

 

FINALLY.

x3 (because we all took a week off, and didn’t want to die)

10 star jumps
20 pushups (any style)
30 walking lunges
40 situps (in 10s: leg circles/crunches/v-ups/tuck-ups)
100m sprint

 

Oh, man.
I didn’t think that taking a week off would make such a difference–
but OI.
This was *tough*.
But I was still grinning the whole way through–
it’s good to come back to the Crossfit.

 

(Friend Katie came along for the adventure, too,
which was AWESOME!)

Yesternight’s Workout:

 

Every once in a while,
I come home from a workout
and wonder how in the hell I’m not any taller.

I know.

It’s illogical.

But somehow,
my brain is still DETERMINED to believe that exercising
will magically make me 5′ 7″.

Ha.

Haha.

HA.

*ahem*

Moving on, then.

 

200m run
5 pullups
100m sprint

x3

10 KB snatch R (20lbs)
30 lunges
10 KB snatch L (20lbs)
20 crunches/leg lifts
10 planked rows R (20lbs)
15 bench jumps
10 plank rows L (20lbs)

 

Kinda weak, to be honest.

It was just an off night for me,
and everything was hard to do–
I despise workouts like that.

*grumpledface*

 

In other news,
my wig came today!
YAY!!!!

Guess that means I need to hurry my ass up
and get the rest of my costume made already.

Can sewing be a Crossfit activity?
Squats with serger?
Planks with pinking shears?
Burpees with bumroll?

What?
IT COULD WORK.

 

AND MAKE ME TALLER.

Laughing while Crying:

 

Surely the Germans have a word for that.

Home for the Holidays

 

Eventually,
I’ll put together my own tale of holidays with the family,
and the various substances I use to survive them.

In the meantime,
enjoy.

Family on Thursday Means:

 

Becca eats rabbit food until then.

 

I love my salad.

I love my salad.

I LOVE MY DAMN SALAD.

 

"HA. HA. JUST STAB ME NOW."