The Care and Keeping of Short Hairs

I DID A THING AND THE TOAST.NET PUBLISHED IT!!!

 

*dies*

Thoughts While Deep-Cleaning a Stove:

 

Ask a Clean Person made me do it.

Is…is that stove snot?

What is in a Magic Eraser?
Unicorn pee?
Fairy dust?
Neurotoxins?

WHO CARES.

Ew.

 

My predominant memories of my mother involve cleaning.
I’m pretty sure that, at this point, dirt simply can’t be bothered to waste its time existing at her house–she’ll kick it out within seconds of being, anyway.

My mother actually subjects herself to this shit on a regular basis.
Gleefully.

No wonder the woman’s fingernails are brittle and frail.

 

Ew.

Why…is…this…not…scrubbing…OFF?!?!??!!

Guess the OCD didn’t *really* taper off when it hit me, after all.

 

Annnnnnd I forgot the landlord needed to turn off our water today.

 

Balls.

I Do Not Like Them, Sam-I-Am:

 

 

I do not like booties in a box.
I do not like them on a fox.
I do not like them here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not like them there:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.
I do not like booties with your gams.

On Driving

Yep.
Me.
Guilty.

So, so guilty.

…

Yesterday I called someone a bag of cocks because they did not accelerate quickly enough through a green light for my liking.

…

My hypothetical spawn will probably have to wear earplugs when Mommy is driving.

On Managing:

 

Hello.

It’s been a while.
Sorry about that.

I’m currently developing opinions about managerial styles.
Because I seem to be collecting a basket full of basketcases.

Are you a manager?

Lean on in.

 

1. Do not belittle, demean, or otherwise abuse your staff. If the language you are using is not what *you* would want to hear addressed to *you* from your superior, do not use it with your staff.

2. Mind your tone. Many, many managers use accusative language instead of inquisitive. If you don’t like the way a staff member has done something, that’s fine–but just say it, don’t ask “why”, or “what were you thinking”–this type of language just frustrates your staff. “Why”? Because he or she was trying to get the project done, dammit.

3. Back. Off. Seriously, just back off. Lurking behind an employee’s chair is rude and unhelpful.

4. If you are a micromanager, own up to it. Expressing that something is your preference as opposed to it being the “best” or “right” drops everyone’s defenses, and you will be prone to far fewer eyerolls in the staff lounge (yes, we talk about you. yes, everyone knows when you lose your shit. if you think people don’t respect you, you are probably correct). Additionally, take the time to show your staff how you want a project done if you absolutely need to do so. It would be better for everyone concerned if you just let go of things a little, but if that’s asking too much, at least have the sense to train and explain.

5. Allow grace. Everyone has bad days. If you take the time to notice what’s going on in the lives of your staff, and to be kind to them, chances are you will be rewarded with employees who are willing to work harder for you.

6. It’s okay if you don’t understand tech. Acknowledge this, and trust your staff members who do.

7. Learn to listen. Interrupting is unfathomably rude, and muddles what people are trying to tell you.

8. Do you have employee evaluations? Great. Now get evaluations for managers as well–have your employees set *you* goals and see if you can meet them in a year. This should help remind you of how difficult it is to deal with constant criticism and little praise.

9. Tell staff members when they have done a job well. Even if it’s just a nicely composed email, or if they organized a cabinet–whatever they have done that is excellent, encourage it directly, with specific praise.

10. Answer questions. Telling employees to “look it up” is often singularly useless, particularly if your database of information is enormous.

11. Do not make your employees afraid to call other departments for help when they need to. That does not create a work environment of trust and mutual assistance.

12. Allow your staff to decorate their desks–it doesn’t actually matter if you don’t like their taste in Star Trek posters. Chances are they think your tacky “inspirational quotes” posters are awful. Be cool with the mutual awfulness (unless porn is involved. then definitely don’t allow that noise).

13. You are more high-strung than you think. You are not the clear communicator you believe you are. Your employees know when you are in a bad mood. We pay attention to *you* because you cut our paychecks. Please pay attention to *us* because we are working FOR you.

(You make us want to do this sometimes)

 

14. Some employees are dicks. Sorry about that.
But? You have the ability to fire them. Some managers are dicks. Employees can’t fire them in return. Please keep this in mind when you’re feeling ragey.

15. Above all else? Be kind. Build loyalty in your staff with behavior that is rational and polite. If you are thoughtful, sincere, and kind, your employees will generally respond in the same way. Productivity generally goes up when people feel cared for.

 

Honestly,
I don’t know why any of these points need to be made.
Treat people the way you would want to be treated.

 

I’m pretty sure Christ said that.

And He’s had billions of people follow and obey Him for a couple of thousand years.

Pretty good management, oui?

This is a Stick:

 

Boggle the Owl

 

I have *always* hated the term “a cry for help”.
It’s demeaning, dismissive, and in the end? Utterly UNhelpful.
This comic is right on the money.

Migrations:

 

One January morning, about six years ago,
I woke up to quiet.

But not a peaceful quiet.
An empty quiet.

My friend Ruth was gone–packed up for her home and family in Wisconsin,
and our apartment was so lonely without her.

Every morning, before she left,
there was music playing from her room–
weird stuff I had never ever heard before–
Andrew Bird and Amanda Palmer and I think Radiohead
and definitely Poe.

We bought this wonderfully hideous red velvet sofa together,
and spent a Saturday hanging pictures of Paris on the walls,
along with a white iron candelabra that I still have now.
We pierced our noses together,
danced at a very silly piano bar in very silly costumes,
and talked about books and music and boys and philosophy–
and shoes, because SHOES is why.

And then she was gone.

I have missed my friend.

…

She’s moving back to California now,
which fills me with So. Much. Joy!
But I also know how hard this is–
her family is staying in Wisconsin,
and she’s leaving so much behind–
books and furniture and a family home,
and her fuzzy weasels, Wesley and Brodie
(because California is Stupid about ferrets, yo).

(and hedgepigs. STOOPID.)

I want to squeal and bounce around because she’s coming back,
and we get to have more adventures together…
but I know, I know
it’s not all awesomeness for her,
or for her folks.

What I would like to do is get on a plane
and land in Wisconsin tomorrow,
and stay with her to help pack and plan.
And also go get drinks at her favorite bars together,
just for a bit of a last hurrah.

…

June is going to be more difficult
than exciting for her.
And I wish I could bear that burden better,
with packing tape, a U-Haul, and a sneaky compartment to
weasel weasels over the border.

…….

But she’s going to be here.
In a new job,
a new adventure,
and I am so immensely grateful to be a part of it.

Now,
go give my girl some love, and tell her that she’s awesome.

‘Coz she is:

 

This girl. I tell ya.

 

Copyright Higher Vision Photography, All Rights Reserved

 

Look! WE ARE THE CUTE.

A Girl, A Boy, A Dress, A Scarf:

 

Copyright Higher Vision Photography, All Rights Reserved

 

Our amazing photographer and friend, Josh Premako, put together a little sneak peek of our wedding—
I cannot WAIT to see all the photos he caught!

Married!

Yup.

We is.

 

Just wanted to assure you all.

Oh, Holy God:

 

I have four days before our wedding.